Push for PORTER

Some friends and I in a public place
Were playing cards one night
When into the room a fireman ran
His face all chalky while
"What's up?", says Brown, "Have you seen a ghost
Or have you seen your aunt Mariah?"
"Me aunt Maria be buggered!", says he
"The bleedin' pub's on fire!"

"Oh well," says Brown, "What a bit of luck
Everybody follow me!
Ands it's down to the cellar
If the fire's not there
Then we'll have a grand old spree."
So we all went down with good old Brown
The booze we could not miss
And we hadn't been there ten minutes or more
Till we were all a bit like this...

And there was Brown upside down
Lappin' up the Whiskey on the floor
"Booze, booze!" The firemen cried
As they came knockin' on the door
O don't let ,em in till it's all drunk up
Somebody shouted: "MacIntyre!" - MACINTYRE!
And we all got stone-blind paralytic drunk
When the old Dun Cow caught fire

Then Smith walked over to the port wine tub
And he gave it one or two hard knocks
Then he started takin' off his pantaloons
Likewise his shoes and socks
"Oh, no!" says Brown, "that ain't allowed!
You can't do that there here!
Don't go washing your trotters in the port wine tub
When we got stale guinness beer!"

And then there came a mighty crash
Half the bloody roof caved in
We were almost drowned by the firemen's hose
But still we wouldn't give in
So we got some tacks and some old wet sacks
And nailed ourselves inside
And we sat there drinking the finest Rum
Till we were bleary-eyed

And there was Brown...

Then there came from the old back door
The vicar of the local church
And when he saw our drunken ways
He began to scream and curse
"Ah, you drunken sods! You heathen clods!
You're all on a drunken spree!
And you drank up all the Benedictine wine
And you didn't save a drop for me!"

Late that night, when the fire was out
We came up from the cellar below
Our pub was burned, our booze was drunk
And we were feeling low
"Oh look!", says Brown with a look quite strange
Something had restored his power
"We have to get down to Murphy's Pub
'cause it closes in half an hour!"

And there was Brown...